While we were visiting with her, C. asked me if Buddy would love her like he would love me as his mother. What a tough question to answer! I told her that she would always hold a special place in his heart as his birthmother that no one else can ever be to him. She was the one who chose to carry him for nine months in her womb and give birth to him. However, she can never hold the role of mother that I will be to him. I recently came across a quote that explains our separate, yet special roles perfectly:
He is mine in a way that he will never be hers,
yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine,
and so together, WE are motherhood.
~Desha Wood
I wrote a similar poem in an attempt to explain our two roles in my own mind.
You and I
You will always be his birthmom
The one who gave him life before birth
Feeding him
Loving him
Praying for him
Dreaming
Of what he could become
Hopes for him growing like an ocean wave
You gave him
Long fingers
Silky hair
And a dimpled smile
You will hold a special role in his life
And a piece of his heart
Forever and always
I will always be his mom
The one who gave him life after birth
Nurturing him
Loving him
Praying for him
Dreaming
Of what he could become
Hopes for him rising and ebbing like the ocean tide
I will give him
A joy for life
A love of God
And the ability to learn from his mistakes
I will hold a special role in his life
And a piece of his heart
Forever and always
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K!:) What a beautiful story!! Praise God for your love for Him...this little boy...and his mother. My eyes are tearing up at the beauty of God's love! Praise Him for you and Travis and the wonderful home you've made:) Love you guys!!
ReplyDeleteouch, such negative words in reference to a birthmother: We just keep praying that she will heal quickly from her loss and BE ABLE TO MOVE ON.
ReplyDeletethanks for the quote though and best of luck to you in your adoption journeys and your own healing path.
@birthMOM
ReplyDeleteI will be the first to say that I truly have NO IDEA of the kinds of emotions a birthmom goes through in following through with an adoption plan for her child. I am sorry if my words were offensive, however I do feel that both the birthmom and the adoptive parents have to move on and not dwell on the memories of the birth and adoption. I often find myself having to "get over" the sadness that memories of his birth bring me--the awkwardness of it all, our inability to truly call him "ours" until days after his birth, grieving with his birthmom even as we wished to simply rejoice over his birth, etc. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption, but this is what God has asked us to do and we choose to think about the joy it has brought us. I'm sure it is the same for a birthmom. We all have to move on from the grief, but not get over the experience. It should be a special memory for all involved.
I find it mind boggling that you could speak that way about the birth and such. How akward it must be for C to give birth and not be able to call him hers either and then to place him with a family. Placing is the most difficult thing. You can't just pick up and move on. It takes a good amount of time. To place is defying all your natural instincts. Instead you should think and talk about how amazing and selfless her choice was so that you could have this sweet baby. Yes you need to move on and move forward with your life but its not something that just happens. I would try reading some birthmom blogs and looking into learning more about their side of the story.
ReplyDeletePatience is a virture Job had this
ReplyDeletewell then, if that's your attitude, im going to have to VERY STRONGLY REQUEST that you NOT quote me, as you obviously missed the sentiment, true meaning, context and LOVE of my words.
ReplyDeletei would also strongly encourage you to educate yourself about how a birth mother experiences the emotions of the pregnancy birth and after placement, and would hope that you can develop a sense of awe and wonderment for the bravery and strength your childs birthmother exudes every single moment of her days. The memories of the birth and adoption that you claim she should forget are what she treasures the most, even if they are truly bittersweet.
There are several classes in Seattle about birth parent grief that the adoptive couples i have been privileged to work with are required to take before they are approved for agency adoption, perhaps you should look into taking a few of them.
At the very least you should read up on some blogs written by birthmothers to better grasp where your childs birthmother might be coming from, if not for your own understanding, for buddy's sake. also, there are many fabulous blogs written by adoptive families that truly honor love and respect their childs birthmother and that truly love honor and respect the sacredness of an open adoption. These couples do not have a sense of entitlement the way you do, but a simple yet overwhelming love for the woman who gave them the privileged role of mother.
hi there! i am an adoptive mom. i have to say that i disagree with the notion that it is easier for the birth parents to not see the child as much after placement.
ReplyDeletemy youngest son's birth mother recently wrote about it--i thought you might find it interesting, especially this line, "I believe that having an open adoption was crucial and essential in my healing process."
food for thought!
http://birthmamadrama.blogspot.com/2011/01/faqs-for-yours-truly.html
I'm sorry--like I said, I truly have no idea of the emotions a birthmom goes through and I obviously am not doing a very good job understanding them. All I ask is that you consider my side and how hard it is for the adoptive parents as well. We did lots of research for adoptive parenting, but not so much about open adoption and maintaining a relationship with the birthmom. I appreciate the constructive criticism and am open to suggestions of how to educate ourselves.
ReplyDelete@ mrs. r
I think this could be different for different birth moms. I do believe that having an open adoption is crucial to healing for all involved. At this time, however, we are concerned with how our visits affect our son's birthmom's mental state. She struggles with severe mental illness and we are trying to figure out if our visits are causing any of her depressed states or suicide attempts. They seem to correlate. She lives very much in the present and has said that she often forgets she even had a baby sometimes. I am no psycologist so I have no idea what would be best for her, but she seems to do better when there are longer periods of time between our visits.